You're Dead Wrong.

A friend told me a while back, "You're going to learn a lot about yourself this year, Gwen."

I turned to him and raised my eyebrows quizzically, to which he merely smiled: "Just a feeling."

Couple of weeks down the road and that statement is already coming true. I don't know if it's because I held more of myself back in high school, or if the people at INTI are more perceptive, or if I'm just in desperate need of a wake-up call - but I'm not getting the most positive of feedback from my peers. I suppose it was to be expected: after all, why would anyone take a liking to the loud-mouthed, big-haired freak with bipolar tendencies? Not to mention she's sensitive as hell. They could all be joking while she's here, fretting over bad vibes and bad choices. Pathetic, really.

But perhaps my worries are founded, and I really am a horrible person to begin with. That could be the case, couldn't it? I can't help that I am easily excitable when exposed to a new environment. I can't help that I decided to be more expressive in said new environment. I can't help that I chose to show that side of myself - the side I normally reserve for people I am extremely close to - to a loosely-knitted group of friends I have come to think of as 'family'. And if they think that I am a horrible person, when I am showing them one of the more genuine sides there is to me, then I probably am one.

I portray myself as a blonde, but really, that's only because "blondes have more fun". Perhaps that was the wrong first impression to give, though, since everyone currently thinks I am incapable of: 1) coherent thought, and 2) caring for others. Admittedly, I do get carried away quite often - when you're immersed in SS15's hectic nightlife, it's hard not to - but I always manage to atone for it later on. Ling said everyone had an Achilles' heel; for me, it was my "bossiness". Hence I make it a point not to overdo anything that might make me seem too overbearing. Again, this is where the hyper self-awareness comes in - and it has proven to be quite useful so far in keeping myself in check.

But lately, it's been kicked into overdrive: every sensation seems too strong, every stimuli too sharp; prickling at my skin and making me bristle. Every notion is regarded seriously; every sentiment taken to heart. Because I have chosen to let down my guard and expose more of myself, I needed to know how everybody was responding to it. In order to do that, I decided an informal social experiment was in order. And so began the analysis of everybody around me; their thoughts, their emotions, their actions. Sometimes, if they refused to share, I'd revert back to my old ways and try to squeeze it out of them - and that's where more issues arose.

I've never been very gracious at accepting criticism, especially when it cuts deep enough to hit a nerve. Top that all off with my new-found 'bimbo' status, and you have a sublime recipe for disaster. To everyone right now, I'm just an air-headed pushover with a penchant for sticking her nose into other people's businesses. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being the butt of everybody's jokes, or the victim of everybody's verbal abuse, or on the receiving end of everybody's insults - but not when you go that one step too far. I've snapped a few times already, which is way more than anything I have ever shown back in WMS. I have yet to decide whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. Should I be glad that the monster within me has started to rear its head? Or should I be afraid?

One thing I know, it's frustrating. When I am too loud, they tell me to keep my trap shut. When I tone myself down, they tell me not to be so quiet because "it's so unlike you, Gwen". SWEET MOTHER OF GOD JUST MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, PEOPLE. What do you want from me?! You can't ask someone to shut up and expect them to remain in high spirits, can you? That being said, I should probably start learning to strike a balance between my two paradoxical sides - the party animal, and the pensive thinker. Everyone else, on the other hand, should start learning how to tell those two sides apart.

But holding true to his words, I am learning a lot about myself. My college friends, they may be more brash and outspoken than I am accustomed to, but the things they say do make me reflect on myself. Nobody else has ever been capable of that before. And their continuous slew of bashing makes those rare moments of genuine care - "Will you accept my apology?" - all the sweeter. So I'm not going to blindly conform to their expectations of me, but I am going to take into consideration whichever method of dealing with people works best. Because that's what life is all about: learning how to discrete and change and grow.

And if this is what 2012 is all about, to that I say: